A Day I'll Never Forget

Okay, don't faint, I'm actually posting twice in one week!

Fourteen years ago today, I totalled my car. Ben & Jonathan were both injured, and it was one of the worst days of my life. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment when I turned around and saw both of them bleeding and scared. Thank God, it was much worse than it looked. They both carry scars of that day, but the scars are minimal. God was gracious to us that day, and I will forever be grateful.

So why am I remembering that day so long ago and marking the anniversary of a wreck? I'm sure there's probably something deep and psychological there, but I guess the reason I do it is that I feel a need to acknowledge what was for me a life-changing event. The boys' injuries turned out to be rather superficial, and aside from leaving scars that most folks don't even notice, they are none the worse for it. For me, however, it was a day I'll never forget.

There was something about that event - which came on the heels of two other major, emotional events in my life in the previous six months - that forced me to sit down & take notice of what was happening. After the wreck, somehow all of the emotions I had been feeling and not dealing with were right there in my face, demanding attention.

I've always felt that even though the boys had the physical injuries, I was traumatized emotionally that day. I felt guilty for a long time that the wreck was my fault... nothing worse for a mother than to know she's caused her child pain. But, life happens, and you have to move on. That day, though, forced me to deal with the depression that had been hanging over my head. It was not a pretty nor a pleasant journey. For months I felt like someone had stolen my heart and left a big, black hole in its place. I struggled alone for many months, trying to think my way through and pray my way through the darkness I was feeling. I considered going on medication to help, but I considered it a "crutch" at the time. (Though I now know that the antidepression meds they have today are more about helping balance your serotonin levels than about masking symptoms.) The truth was, I was pretty crippled, and a crutch would have probably been a good thing.

And I literally had to deal with crippling effects before long. I was diagnosed with arthritis at the age of 34, just a few months later. I firmly believe the physical problems were caused by the emotional ones I wasn't dealing with properly. Doctors have since confirmed this to me, and they were surprised that I understood the correlation. When we don't process our emotional pain, be sure it will show up in another form somewhere else.

Months down the road, I finally found a counselor that I felt could help me, one who respected my faith in God. I will always thank God for bringing Brother Hensley into my life at that time, to give me the tools I needed to deal with and grow past my pain. He told me I was a very angry woman that first day...man, I didn't want to hear that! But he helped me face the things in my life that were bringing me pain and helped me learn to take my "emotional temperature" and really identify the emotions I was feeling. He counseled me for about a year, and he helped me grow quite a bit.

Hand in hand with the therapy was the touch of God on my life one night in a service where a minister laid hands on me and prayed for me. I've always felt the real healing in my spirit and my emotions began that night. But it was a process, one that took time - a healing, not a miracle.

As hard as that experience was, I am thankful for the things I learned there, and the compassion God gave me for others who are experiencing the same kind of pain for whatever reason. Somehow, it's easy for me to see those folks now. The pain on their faces is like looking in a mirror. So if I can, I try to offer hope and encouragement to those who wear that mask of pain. A lot of times we don't know how to help others, but even if we don't have the answers, just a hug and an "I love you" helps...just knowing someone cares.

There were a lot of miracles that happened that day of the wreck: the doctor who "happened" to be driving the car behind the people we hit when the wreck happened; Ben's glasses that John & Daddy found the next day (which he wore for over a year); the seat belt that "released" so that Ben was not crushed in the car; the fact that the car we hit had double air bags or both of those men could have been killed.

God was definitely in control that day, and His fingerprints were unmistakeable to me as I looked back on it. Yet, it was a hard thing for me to come to understand that God allows bad things to happen to His children. I finally understood that life happens, and not all of it is good. You learn to deal with it, to process it, and you go on. You give your pain to God, and you allow Him to bring healing to a place inside you that's hurting. But the fact that He was in control, even on one of the worst days of my life, made me realize that no matter what happens, nothing can take me out of His hand. No matter how bad it seemed, there was always a spark of hope inside me that told me that God would bring me through this valley experience, and that somehow He would redeem my pain.

He has been faithful to do both of those things. So why should I not remember this day - as one which changed my life through pain and through healing? The pain caused me to deal with my humanity, and the healing caused me to be realize that God's grace and God's strength is always sufficient.

Let The Parking Begin...

You'd think that working at a hospital, the big news of the month would be a JCAHO visit. For those of you who are not familiar with the workings of a hospital, JCAHO is the organization that accredits hospitals so that they can receive government funds. Think of a personal tax audit, and magnify it about 10 times. ARGH But JCAHO has come & gone. They finished their inspection today, and we have been reaccredited. I must say, though, that this is the LEAST stressful one I've been through. Administration didn't go nutso like they usually do; perhaps because the visit was unannounced this time, and the anticipation didn't reach fever pitch. I saw that the hospital president wrote an e-mail to all staff & included some very positive comments they made. Hallelujah..it's over again for three years!

I put out a special edition of our departmental newsletter that put a lot of the info for our staff in one easy place for them to access. I was proud of that and felt good about getting that done and out to the staff pretty quickly after the visit was announced. I had most of it done already and only had to throw in a few things to finish it.

The big news at work, however, is about parking. They have closed the front lots at the hospital to begin construction on a new heart center. The heart center will be done in 2008 and will be a great asset to our hospital and community. But we've lost over 500 parking spaces! The new parking area is over a mile away (about a 15 minute walk for those who are hardy enough to try it), and the buses shuttling folks in is taking about 20 minutes each way, including the waiting time and time to get from the lot to the building. I've been getting up earlier, leaving earlier, but getting there about the same time. My sister Judy has been driving in at the same time as me and giving me a ride to the building close to my office, which has been a huge help! But I took the bus one day this week, and it was about 20 minutes just to the building (not my office), with folks crammed in there like sardines. *S* Same on the way back...I do not think I could physically make this walk or I would be panting, out of breath, and sweaty/hot at the start of the day. Walking in from the front lots winded me! Yes, I know that means I'm a bit out of shape, but there are other concerns too. My feet tend to bother me a lot, and I don't want to do anything to further aggravate them.

Employees are not happy about it. People are coming to work an hour early to get a parking space, which is just nuts. I am already giving them about an extra hour that I'm not getting paid for, so that ain't gonna happen. What upsets me about it is that it's not well thought out, IMHO. I went to an employee forum a couple of weeks ago, where they invited comment, and I have e-mailed the VPs a couple of times since then. They actually took one of my suggestions this week and made a change!

Many people feel that the parking situation is dangerous, too. With the buses only running 6am - midnight, it leaves some of the very early or very late people walking in, in the dark, or parking at a faraway lot at a late hour. Hospital police are supposed to escort people there who don't fall into the bus schedule if needed. Hopefully, this will prove to be an unnecessary concern.

The worst thing about the parking situation is that it's not going away. People will eventually adjust to the changes, but it's not been a pleasant change. We will never get these parking spaces back, and unless they open a new lot that is presently reserved for one area of folks, it's not going to improve anytime soon. I am desperately looking for a silver lining in this situation! So far, the only one is that I AM finally getting up earlier and leaving earlier - it's just not helping yet!

Next week will tell the tale for me...It's Judy's early week, so I need to be ready to leave by 7am, or I'm on my own. And she's off Thursday & Friday, so I definitely need to have my act together by this week.

I also started seeing a chiropractor this week, in hopes that he can help get my back & hips feeling better. I've been having a lot of pain lately, and I am hoping this will help things out. I like him a lot, and so far, so good...but I've only been treated once. I am very thankful for their Sweetheart Week, which included a free exam and free X-rays! :-)